It's Like Whatever

The weird ramblings and random streams of consciousness of a sometimes lucid woman.

Wednesday, August 04, 2004

My Perspective

Lately I've come to realize that I the way I see things is different than most people. My interpretation of what people say is, ummmm, askew. For instance, I went to the dentist today. His office is on the seventh floor of the Medical Dental Building. To get to that office I need to use the elevator. Upon the elevator door opening there was a cute girl with a white smock on who pushed the button for the third floor. I said "hi". She smiles back. Up we go. Between floors she asks me if I am going to her office? My response "No, I'm going to see Dr. Bicuspid. He's on the seventh floor". "Oh", she replies. So we stop at the third floor and I realize that she was kindly, in a round about way, telling me the to get to the seventh floor I would need to push the seven button. As she exits I call out, "Hey, now I get it!". DOH! The door closes and embarassed me pushes the button and, ta da, I'm there!

Another example of my warped understanding (or most often, misunderstanding) would be the beginning of a sentence in the above paragraph "Upon the elevator door opening . . . . ". While typing it, I began to think of the opening as a noun, not a verb. Then there is the word upon. Brain says "someone is on the elevator door. No, no, it means that there is an opening in the elevator door". Damn, you brain. Get it right! It's shit like that that makes me think I'm going bonkers. And it's happening more and more. So forgive me if I drool on the keyboard, slack jawed and incoherant, like someone on thorazine. The brain is under construction!

And now, a message from our sponsor . . . . .

I keep hearing this commercial on the radio for Coke. The premise is that Bradley's mom, Mrs. Patterson is at home waiting for him to come home from soccer practice. She's probably cooking a pot roast and baking cookies. Friend One comes in and says "Hello?" Mrs. Patterson asks "Bradley is that you?". "No, it's me Greg". "Oh, hi Greg, Bradley's still at soccer practice. Do you want to wait for him?". "Thanks. Hey, can I have a Coke?". "Sure. You know where it is." . . . More and more of Bradley's friends come in to wait and they all want Coke. They announce that Bradley isn't going to be home for awhile. "He said for you to go ahead and order some pizza." Then, here it comes, the slogan, "A house full of Coke, is a house full of friends" Well, duh!

STOP RIGHT THERE! Maybe I'm crazy, but in my mind is a very different scenario than what the Coca Cola Company is trying to pitch. I'm not thinking beverage here. No! Flashbacks from the eighties are what's playing in the movie screen that is my mind.

Here is Roxie's version -

Outwardly Mrs. Robinson is the paragon of good family values, a devoted wife and dedicated mother. She is the PTA president of her son's school, goes to church every week, volunteers at the local hospital, donates blood once a month, gives money to the needy and loves kittens. Little does her family know of her dark secret . . . The "Other Mrs. Robinson" is a pimp, runs a drug ring and is the connection to the local high school dealers. Right now she's waiting for her boy toy "Stud Monkey" to show up and make crazy jungle love with her on the kitchen floor.

Knock, knock . . . . .

Boy Toy - "Hello?"

Mrs. Robinson - "Hey, Stud Monkey? Is that you? Mr. Robinson won't be home for awhile. Let's get it on!" (She's all breathy and sexy sounding)

Boy Toy - "Yeah, whatever. Got any Coke?"

Mrs. Robinson - "Oh, baby, you know where it is (on the mirror in the bedroom). "

Cue skanky 1-900 porn music.

More "friends" show up . . . "Mr. Robinson is gonna be real late 'cause the old bastard had a heart attack playing soccer. Got any Coke?"

Mrs. Robinson - "Sure, you know where it is. You can help yourself. But first Mama needs a little lovin', from you, and you and you."

The Friends - "Yeah . . . ummm . . . okay. Dude! Since Mr. Robinson won't be home, let's get some grubbage, then party all night!"

Mrs. Robinson - "Okay, Boys! Bring it on! But don't forget to call your parents and let them know where you are."

Mrs. Robinson leads her little Stud Monkey up the stairs, slap his buttocks then proceeds to dress him up like King Kong and do the wild thing.


Okay, okay, I know it's sick and wrong. But I can't help what pops in my head!
I think it's time for a Pepsi One.